


The Soul Wants What it Wants

by Yuiio



Category: Invader Zim, Villainous
Genre: BH and Dem give advice, Black hat becomes a love doctor, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Irkens knew eldritches, Joke Fic, M/M, Sex Toys, Souls, This is one big bad joke I wrote a while ago, Zim has knowledge of sex for some reason, but still, nothing sexual happens, rated mature bc sex jokes, reference to paperhat, unfinished work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:13:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22942336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuiio/pseuds/Yuiio
Summary: Zim buys weapons from Black hat Organization and regrets it(Read at your own risk it’s bad)
Relationships: Black Hat/Dr. Flug (Villainous), Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	The Soul Wants What it Wants

**Author's Note:**

> I’m gonna be posting old unfinished zadr fics I found in my notes because why not. So first a Trashy Crossover fic

Black hat in all his glory sits in his evil desk. The phone on his desk rings and he picks it up.  
“This is Black hat organization what do you desire?”

“Ah Yes! Is this Black Hat organization?” Zim asked  
“Yes.. I just said- you know what never mind, what do you want?” Black Hat says impatiently.

“Mr.Black Hat I need a special set of weapons for a special enemy of mine...”

“Who’s this special enemy?” Black Hat grinned.

“Ugh, he’s this horrible wretched scum of the universe human named Dib!He’s always foiling my plans on taking over earth!”

“Mhm”

“I need a weapon to make that pig weasel shut up and bow before Zim, I want him on his knees begging for mercy, a weapon that could destroy him if he still resists” 

“On his knees you say??” Black Hat smirked.

“Yes! I just said that!”

“What else should I know about this Dib?”

“Where do I even begin?With his stupid hair, and glasses and - and that coat, the way he laughs-

10 hours later Black Hat looks exhausted while holding the phone halfway up his invisible external ear.

“ the way his disgusting brown eyes shine in amazement at my technology, so horrible! And also-

“That’s it I have enough information!” Black Hat inturupted his 10 hour rant.

“But I-“

“Don’t worry, I have an idea of what you want,your weapons will show up in a week, Good bye!” Black Hat slams the phone down.

“I was going to ask him if they have powerful gun ammunition.” Zim looked at GIR.

Black Hat rubbed the bridge of his nose with two fingers and sighed in irritation.

“Flug!” Black Hat snapped his fingers and a cloud of red smoke was emitted with Flug appearing soon after the smoke. The scientist held two beakers in each hand and whirled his head from side to side to see he was in Lord Black Hats office and was sitting right on the demon’s desk.

“Y-Yes Lord Black Hat?” Flug gave his boss a puzzled look, wondering why the heck did he appear on Black Hat’s desk.

“We have another costumer.” Black Hat slid a notebook towards the scientists. Flug grabbed and the notebook and skimmed over it for a few seconds. He looked at his boss with disbelieving look.

“Really?”

Black Hat nodded “Get it done by next Wednesday,”and snapped his fingers. The scientist was gone.

The door bell rang and Zim rushed to the door. He opened it with a hearty grin and saw the box with a black hat symbol on top.

“Yes Yes!” Zim grabbed the box and slammed the door behind.

“Ooooo whats that?” GIR said from the couch.

“It’s my weapons!” Zim said excitedly.He placed the box on the ground and pried it open. 

“I finally have a set of weapons that could destroy the Dib-worm once and for all!”

“Aw you don’t want to do that to Mary, he’s your bested friend!” 

Zim rolled his eyes and dug through the pretty pink styrofoam .Zim found something through the sea of plastic, it felt smooth and solid, and very long. The Irken’s antennae twitched in curiosity. That’s strange.

Zim pulled out the unknown weapon and gasped in utter horror at the sight. The weapon wasn’t a gun, or a knife, or a remote control for an army of robots. It wasn’t even a weapon at all! 

What was held tightly in the offended Irken’s hand was an object used only in the lewed practices of coutus. A dildo.

Stutters of nonsensical words escaped the Irken’s mouth. The abnormally large plastic toy was dropped out of fear and shear anger.

“What in the name of Irk is that doing in there!?” Zim yelled. The Irken then dug through the box again and pulled out some lube in fancy looking jars, a ball gag, lotion, nice smelling oils, more dildos of different looking shapes and colors of blue and red,whips, and pillows. Every object pulled out the box received tiny gasps from the Irken.

“What on Irk!?” Zim screamed. From where GIR’s sitting,he could see the Irken’s cheek grow a darker green.

“Why yo cheeks that color master?” GIR asked.

“Wha-“ Zim noticed his cheeks warming up and his palms getting sweaty. Oh no.

“That’s because I’m angry GIR, I sold my soul for a bunch of sex toys!”

“What’s a sex toy?” GIR tilted his head.

“Nothing!” Zim replied quickly. He stuffed all the lewd objects back in the box and snatched the remote off the couch. He ignored GIR’s cries and harshly dialed the organization’s number on the remote. The caller ID appeared on the screen, after a few rings he was greeted with none other than Black Hat himself.

“Yes?” Black Hat’s heated gaze raked over Zim, but the Irken wasn’t afraid to see one of the most powerful gods to ever walk the universe seated in his tall chair.Elder Irkens would tell stories of the beast who roamed space and create fear and insanity out of many civilizations, resulting in their downfall.Zim was too stupid and pissed off to be afraid of the demon at the moment.

“You!” Zim screeched. I gave you my soul and this is what you repay me with?” He kicked the box to the front of the tv.

“Holy hell it’s you again?” Black Hat recognized the high pitch voice. 

“Yes it is I ZIM! And I’m calling you-“

“You’re very small,” Black Hat interrupted, “ Really small.”

“Silence!” Zim clenched his fist, “I have a big problem with the product I received.”

“No villain has a problem with any of our products,” Black Hat raised a brow “did you even try it on your enemy.”

“No! And will never try these on Dib!” Zim glared at the box, his whole face felt like an oven,”It’s lewd! Why are there sex toys in there!?”

“ I decided what kind of weapons based of how you feel about your enemy by sensing your soul, and by listening to the hours long rant...” Black Hat explanation “A laser gun would be for someone who’s soul desires their enemy into ashes, torture tools for one’s soul that wants to torture their enemy for days on end, I can sense what your soul feels towards your enemy.”

“But why sex toys?” Zim repeated. 

“How do you feel about this Dib?”

“Zim already told you before! I hate him!” Zim started pacing around the living room. “I want to choke him until his eyes roll to the back of his head. That annoying creature should have never got in the way of Zim. He must be obliterated.”

“No you don’t hate him, not entirely,” Black Hat started.

“No I-“

“Shut up, You know deep down you’re mad at yourself, but you mostly pin all this anger on this Dib.” Black Hat. Zim stopped pacing.

“W-why would I be mad at myself,” Zim sneered. Black Hat held out a closed hand in front of the screen. He open it,revealing a floating white Irken symbol. “Souls can change color based on what the person feels, white is neutral,Black means anger, blue sadness, green sickness,yellow happiness, red passion, and so much more.” Zim gulped, his antennae twitched.

“See I noticed something about your soul when you talked about your enemy .” Black grinned. 

“If anybody said his name, Dib, your soul would,” the Irken symbol started to change in hue, the color went from white to black to red and to pink. The colors kept repeating the pattern of black red and pink but changed into a red and pink pattern.

“Oh by the way pink means love,” Black Hat said, “which is pretty disgusting if I do say so.”

“Your soul went pink when people bring up Flug,” A teasing feminine voice spoke up in the background.

“Demencia get out!” Girly Laughter and foots steps were heard in the background. Zim was at a loss of words. No,no,no,no was repeated in his mind. He knew deep deep down he felt a closeness to Dib. Every time the human would leave after one of them won, Zim felt lost. He’d usually hit himself for feeling this way and would hate his enemy more because of it. It had been difficult at first, but he was used to it for a couple of years. Hearing it from someone else made Zim even more aggravated.

“No I don’t LOVE that pathetic worm, I DESPISE him!”

“Deny all you want,”Black Hat rolled his eyes, “ You’re in love with your enemy, or just feel some sort of disturbing sexual tension, that’s why I gave you the sex toys.” Zim angrily gripped his antennae, the sensitive appendages giving him a painful reaction. No no no. Was all that he could whisper.

“You can’t help how you feel about someone, the heart wants what the heart wants, don’t be mad at yourself,” Demencia spoke up again,peeking her head out from behind Black Hat’s chair. Zim let go of his antennae and looked at the screen.

“How the- you know what never mind, you’re helping. She’s right, no matter what or who you are, besides an unfeeling robot, we all have that instinct to mate. That repulsive chemical making us hungry animals yearning for the touches of that special someone. I know it’s terrible, but you can’t ignore them. Just face them.” The Irken thought the advice was informative, but he couldn’t help but feel embarrassed about the fact that the all powerful eldritch demon was giving him relationship advice on his enemy that he had secret feelings for.

Zim thought for a moment before snarling “ I don’t love Dib and I never will!All I wanted is an explanation and a refund . And boy that was one stupid explanation, now I want my soul back!” Black Hat knew the Irken would take his advice, they both knew that. 

“You’ll get a refund next month if you haven’t used them...” Black Hat said.

“What for!?” Zim glared. The eldritch hung up and that was that. Zim angrily sighed and cursed in his native tongue.  
“Well that was fun!” GIR said from the couch, he was eating some of the pink styrofoam . Zim regretted letting GIR sit through the conversation.

Three loud bangs were heard on the door. Zim’s head perked up, his antennae vibrating excitedly. He hated how only the human can do that to his antennae.

“Zim! Are you up to something in there!?”

**Author's Note:**

> And that’s that :)
> 
> This fic is insane and makes no sense


End file.
